Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
