I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
