Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
