i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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