did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
