i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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