I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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