do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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