god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
