i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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