no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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