This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
