after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
tonight lets celebrate not being married
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
