All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
