I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
