a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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