I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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