omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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