How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
