Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
