If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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