i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
