why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
