Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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