At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize