Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
