I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
