after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This is my gift to your gina
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
