i think my tv is drunk
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
When are your genitals available?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
