So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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