bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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