It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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