Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
