neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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