Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
