Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
