last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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