When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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