I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
