So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
