I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
