I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You made out with two different species that night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
