i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
