Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the day after is always just damage control
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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