I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
