Dude my mom stole all your condoms
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
