He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
