I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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