You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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