after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
