4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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