Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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